So here Rudy and I were at the doctors office thinking that for sure this was an infection and the doctor was going to tell us that based on the CBC, full blood tests and PET Scan. Dr Suki comes in tells us that the blood work doesn't show any infection, low white blood cell count and the PET Scan shows abnormally large lymph nodes in the neck, clavicle and pelvic region. Its like the world stopped. I couldn't breathe....what did this mean...were we dealing with cancer? I tried to keep listening knowing that Rudy had probably shut down as well and I tend to be the one that understands all the doctor lingo. I ask some questions about the results and what next steps are. All I can hear repeating in my mind is "I'm sorry I really thought it was going to be an infection..."
Dr Suki states he wants us to get a bone marrow biopsy and aspiration and a biopsy of one of the lymph nodes. I kept telling myself "you cant cry...you cant cry..." I excuse myself to the bathroom and breakdown but only l for a minute....I go back out and tell Rudy to go get his blood drawn and I go into "crisis" mode.
What is crisis mode? For me that when I shut down all emotions and take charge ensuring that all tasks/items get done. I call it the "getter done" mentality...its the only way I can cope...if I think about it for too long I cant breathe...I cant think...
We make his bone marrow procedure for early the next week. Rudy's dad has taken him to the doctor and I drove myself back home. Thank god (again) for Melissa as she is there to talk to me as I panic on the drive home and get myself composed.
Rudy has me explain to his parents the results of his tests. Its one of the hardest things I have ever done. To sit down and tell the mom of the man you love that there is something wrong and it could be cancer was heart wrenching. As a mother I cant even begin to imagine how she felt...
Then the calls started...and I had to repeat the results again...and again...and again...and again...Its not that I didn't appreciate everyone's worry and concerns, its that it opens that fresh wound every time you have to repeat the findings...everyone has to grieve and I feel like I have to reassure everyone that things are going to be ok...it's a massive burden to bear.
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